Saturday, July 31, 2010

Proceding Hair Lines

Figured I'd talk about hair today. I consider my fur to be such a wonderful thing that I feel compelled to spread it throughout the entire known world.
One of my favorite things about my fur is the fact that no matter how much I shed, my coat remains undiminished. My two legger cannot say the same. I could shed three million hairs an hour and still retain my luxurious do. I draw great pleasure from proving this to the two leggers whenever possible.
There is a strategy to proper fur distribution:
1) Never waste time shedding on the clothes that your two leggers only wear at home. These clothes will accumulate fur during the day on their own.
2) When the two leggers are getting ready to leave your house, they will invariably lay out clean clothes. Immediately pounce upon these and if you have enough time, roll on your back until the two legger spots you and forces you off. Occasionally you can get a bonus if they try to spray you with water as they will usually miss you, wetting their garments instead. This will make them retrieve more clothing and you can repeat the process.
3) If your two legger is attempting to read or work on their computer, a properly applied tail brush beneath their nose will induce a fit of sneezing and rubbing of their nose. This is most amusing.
4) Always try to leave a large amount of fur on any surface that two leggers enjoy sitting upon.
5) Study where the two leggers walk at night when all the lights are off. There are several places in the house where they often walk without the benefit of illumination. Once you have found these sweet spots, deposit a properly semi-digested amount of "hairball thingy" after the two leggers have retired for the night. The amusement this will give you is beyond measure.
6) Another great use for hairball thingies is more in the act than the location. Wait until the two leggers are eating (preferably with guests for maximum effect) and then casually saunter into the room. Once you have everyone admiring the "cute little kitty" hock up a huge one. Draw it out dramatically taking at least 45 seconds to get it all out. Trust me, this will be the hit of the evening.
I will continue my thoughts on hairball thingy etiquette in a later post. For now I must go intimidate the squirrel.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Another Mystery Solved

The two legger belonging to Dandi Butt and Tony T wrote me and asked me to inform them why two leggers insist on smearing icky sticky stinkly stuff beneath their arms. As an avid observer of two legger behavior, I am profoundly capable of answering this.
Two leggers are both ashamed and afraid of their own scent. We four legged types are extremely proud of our individual scents. They serve many purposes. Our scent is our message to other creatures. It says "Here I am, deal with it!". Or "I was here and now that I have touched this, it belongs to me". It can also mean "Dogs not tolerated". Our scent is our personal calling card. We are proud of it and utilize every method at our disposal to spread it as far and wide as possible.
Two leggers on the other hand, seek to hide or disguise their scent at every opportunity. They actually prefer to smell like the people on the talking box thingy. Now I must admit that I have yet to smell a pleasant smelling two legger, (except that tuna fisherman that came over for dinner) however, most of them still smell better than Ivan. So they seek to cover their scent by rubbing stinky gooey sticks on their bodies. The best way to tell that a two legger has been in your stuff is that it smells distinctly unlike a two legger.
I trust that once again my wisdom has enlightened all.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Posting late today due to the fact that nothing significant happened.
I awoke from a 17 hour nap only to discover that the two leggers had replaced their talking box thingy with a bigger talking box thingy. The cursing of the male two legger while trying to hook all the wire thingies to the talking box thingy was what woke me.
Upon my awakening, I looked for Tiger Lily to smack, but then I remembered that last night I smacked her into next week. She should be back Tuesday. Well, that's all that happened today. Tomorrow should be more eventful.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Two Legger Litter Box

One of the questions I am most commonly asked is: "What's the deal with cats and bathrooms?"
The answer to this mystery is actually quite complex.
The first thing to consider is our aversion to closed doors. (See earlier post) Given the fact that the bathroom door is the one door in the house that is almost always closed, we as cats see it as our duty and obligation to see that it is opened as often as possible.
The bathroom is invariably the warmest room in the house. enough said.
The next consideration is our sheer curiosity. The bathroom is an enigma to us felines. Two leggers use the bathroom for a myriad of reasons. Aside from it's use as a large self- cleaning litterbox, it is also used for grooming, bathing and reading. This shows a clear lack of sophistication. No self respecting cat would ever groom itself while remaining in its own litterbox. Reading and cleaning there is also out of the question. I also observe the two leggers deliberately spraying water on themselves each and every morning. This behavior is truly confusing to me. When I act in a manner that displeases them, the two leggers spray me with water. Yet every morning they stumble half asleep to the bathroom and spray themselves. You see my dilemma.
Perhaps the main reason we insist on being present in the bathroom, is that the irritation this causes provides us much amusement. That is why we wait exactly 45 seconds after door closure before we demand entry. This 45 second grace period enables the two legger in question to become fully seated on the self cleaning litterbox. The amusement this causes cannot be measured. If the water spraying thingie is turned on, it is good to wait an additional two minutes for maximum effect.
In closing, if at all possible, keep at least one spider in each bathroom. A large hairy spider can enhance your enjoyment and provide a tasty snack.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Eyes of the Tiger Lily

Today my thoughts turned to romance. I know what some of you are thinking: HUH??? Bear with me.
I have observed that in spite of my best efforts, my two leggers seem happy all the time. After close examination, i realize they are happiest when they are together. I can only attribute this to the fact that they are well and truly mated. Gross huh? Anyway, I have decided that perhaps this is something i should attempt.
Now I should start out by admitting that when i was just a kitten, my two leggers had me "fixed" though i was unaware of even being broken. Granted this removed the ability to mate, it did not however remove the determination. I do not believe that hairballs make the cat.
Back to my experiment. Obviously my options are somewhat limited. There's Ivan, but let's not go there. Then there's Tiger Lily. I decided to try to see beyond her whining and irritating habit of running away when i smack her.
Tiger Lily is actually quite attractive in a boring monochromatic way. She is a tabby that is colored in 56 different shades of gray. A bit on the pudgy side, and she has a terminally disdainful expression on her over-sized face. However, when I look at her eyes, it is like looking at a primeval forest shrouded in a dense fog. I occasionally find myself wanting to walk in that forest and explore the depths of her soul.
So, my decision made, I had Ivan groom me and set out to win her heart. I approached her with my tail standing as straight as an evergreen. I offered my catnip mousie thingie as a peace offering. I purred softly while licking behind her ears. Finally, the moment had come, I looked deep into those wondrous eyes, held my breath............

and smacked her. It was amusing.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Sheet Happens

There are two subjects that i would like to address today. An obvious two legger wrote and asked me: " Why does my cat always have to get involved when I am trying to make my bed?" First of all there are two misconceptions right off the bat. "Your cat?" "Your bed?" Silly two legger.
There is a well known federal law that states: If any bed in any household that is inhabited by a cat is in the process of being re-made, aforementioned cat must be allowed to "supervise" the making of aforementioned bed. This supervision may include, but is not limited to, such activities as:
1) Pouncing upon all sheets in a playful manner.
2) Crawling under the sheets thereby making it impossible for the sheets to lay flat.
3) Hooking a single claw in the sheet causing multiple snags.
4) Rolling on back and looking cute and innocent whilst you scream in joy.
5) Spreading enough cat hair to cover 4 cats on as much clean linen as possible.
The laws of dignity are suspended while acting in this supervisory role.
Do not blame or yell at us, we are simply upholding the law.

Secondly, I have received several e-mails inquiring as to whether the bathroom spider still lives. The answer is yes. During his "chat" with the spider, Ivan broke four of the spiders' eight kneecaps before the spider saw reason. Though the spider lives, he spends his day walking in circles and weaving webs that look like they are inspired by Picasso.
This amuses me.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

folly of the two leggers

The two leggers went to a place they call Costco today. As I understand it, this Costco place is a land where everything is multiplied by 100. In the magical land of Costco, two leggers gather all the things that they require for the next five years and then load them in large non-descript boxes for transportation to my house. This behavior is a bit too squirrel-like for my taste. Another disadvantage is the lack of bags. The bags that the two leggers usually bring me things in are a great source of amusement for both Ivan and I. The only thing the boxes are good for is the occasional ambush smacking of Tiger Lily.
Today the two leggers gathered 3- 50lb. bags of the food that they offer me. As I understand it, this food is supposedly extremely high quality and costs the two leggers dearly. However, seeing so much of it in one place at the same time made me realize that I don't care for it anymore. Therefore I have decided that Ivan and I shall no longer eat this food. I will have to monitor Ivan closely to make sure he does not weaken in my resolve. Ivan's willpower is not as well developed as mine. Tiger Lily will be no problem. I will simply raise my paw in a threatening manner whenever she tries to eat. This will result in her giving a plaintive whine and running to the female two legger to complain. It should be amusing.

Interview with an Ivan

For some unknown reason, many readers of this blog have expressed an interest in cats other than myself. In an extraordinarily rare fit of charity, i have decided to accede to my readers wishes. I promise you however that charity has never been and never will be the norm where i am concerned. Normally the requests of others would be met with thinly veiled complete disinterest.

Before I introduce Ivan, let me give a description and short biography of this freak of nature: Ivan is a feline that seems to be created of spare parts. He has a tiny head mounted on a very large torso which is in turn mounted on extremely short stubby legs and followed by a short bottle brush tail. His markings are that of an orange tabby. Though his head is small, in comparison, his brain is like a BB in a boxcar. He is denser than a clump in a litter box. Since he is the closest thing to a friend that i have ever chosen to have, i will not insult him. I have never understood why, but he speaks with a Brooklyn thug accent.
Ivan is nine months older than I, and approximately five pounds heavier. He is a complete neat freak. Finally, let me say that the only thing Ivan enjoys more than food is breaking kneecaps. So on with the interview. (Ivan's words will appear in bold type)

Greetings Ivan
Uhm, hi boss. Food good, squirrel bad, sleep good, smack Tiger Lily good, ooh ooh ooh bug! bug yummy.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

This Old Cat House

Once again i have failed in my efforts to understand the two leggers. Allow me to explain:
The female of the species spends much of her leisure time watching the talking box thingy. Most of the people on the talking box thingy are telling her how to redecorate my house. She then tells the male two legger to leave and return with things that will apparently make my house look like the house on the talking box thingy. Confused? It gets better.
Everything the male returns with is spotless. No scratches. No threads out of place. No stains. Now after having watched this very same talking box thingy from my vantage point on the lap of the female, I have seen that the preferred condition of these things should be "distressed". Something about shabby being chic. I know nothing about shabby, (unless Ivan can be counted) but if there is one thing i do know, it is distressed. I consider myself an expert on causing both stress and distress. Therefore i see it as my duty to provide my professional touch to the aforementioned furnishings. This generally causes the female to stamp her feet and shout with joy.
However, just as i get the furnishings to the proper level of distress, the female sends the male away from the house and he returns once again with all new stuff. I only hope that someday they will make up their minds and accept their fate.
Well, for now i've got a lot of work ahead of me. The two leggers have just finished what they call a "remodel" and that stuff isn't gonna mark itself.
Since I've so much to do, I've asked Ivan to smack Tiger Lily for me. Everyone needs a designated hitter on occasion.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The insubordinate spider

The bathroom spider irritated me today. Perhaps i should provide some background first.
As a rule, spiders residing in my domain live very short, but tasty lives. As with most creatures in my territory, they are considered a meat group. The bathroom spider is the exception to this rule.
I first met the bathroom spider six months ago when i went into the bathroom to glare at my male two legger while he was bathing. I enjoy this activity because it interrupts his reading. To my dismay, i found that my place had been usurped by a very large and hairy eight legger. Though at first i was somewhat miffed, i quickly realized that he was causing my two legger much more discomfort than i generally do. This deserved some respect.
The spider and i reached an agreement. He would confine his activities to the bathroom, and i would not consider him an appetizer. This detente' has worked well until today. Today he felt comfortable enough to venture into the adjoining bedroom. This i cannot abide. If the two leggers feel overly threatened, they may decide to hire one of those masked two leggers that spray foul smelling (even fouler smelling than Ivan) stuff. This stuff usually wipes out my entire snack supplement for a month. Unacceptable.
The uppity arachnid failed to listen to reason and so i sent Ivan to "have a chat". Ivan informed the spider that having eight legs also entails having eight kneecaps. Ivan loves kneecaps. Thus the uprising was put down.
The rest of the day was spent napping in various windows. I did smack Tiger Lily once when she had the audacity to bogart a sunbeam. This amused me.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

the squirrel

ok, I demand to know who invented squirrels.
While taking my post-12:30/pre-12:45 nap in the sunbeam that resides in the bay window, i was rudely awakened by "The Squirrel". This squirrel embodies all that is wrong in this world. While it seems to be constantly busy gathering pine cones and seeds, it also seems to be terminally cheerful. This cheerfulness irritates me.
Using various forms of communication (i.e. twitching my tail, chittering and exclaiming my displeasure with various vocalizations) I try to convey my annoyance. it completely ignores the fact that only a quarter inch of glass separates it from its' final heartbeat.
The two leggers seem oblivious to my plight. This too annoys me. As yet, I am unable to administer justice to the tree rat, however the two leggers will feel my wrath.
Even as I write this, the squirrel is capering on the deck railing. Someday my fluffy tailed nemesis...... someday.
Think i'll go smack Tiger Lily.


I am exasperated. For the longest time, I have been trying to teach my two leggers door etiquette. It is a fairly simple concept:
1. The one place I wish to be is on the other side of a closed door. It doesn't matter that I was just there, once the door is closed, I wish to be on the other side.
2. Once you open said door, you must stand with your hand on the knob while I pass
through the doorway contemplating whether the room you are in is more desirable than the room I am departing.(this may take several minutes)
3. You may say things like "in or out!" or "make up your mind!" This will have no
effect at all on my ritual, but if it makes you feel better, you have my permission.
4. If you happen to see a closed door that has a paw reaching under it, you are
expected to place a toy (preferably a catnip mousie thingie) within easy reach of
said paw. If the paw should then knock the toy out of reach, this was done on
purpose and you are expected to put it back within reach.
5. Doors are considered alternative scratching posts.
6. If you continue to ignore these simple rules of common courtesy, there will be
consequences. If you value your shoes, you will comply.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Lucky's dilemma

I'd like to start this post by responding to a query by "Lucky". Lucky posted: dear cujo cat,
my humans are trying to give me medicine from a squirty thingy. how to i avoid this (and possibly inflict as much damage on them in the process)?
The answer is both simple and complex. Do not avoid the medicine, use it. Simply pretend to swallow it. Once you have convinced your two legger that you have consumed the foul stuff, sneak into their closet and deposit it (add a hairball for consistency)into their favorite pair of shoes.
Look for the best shoes for maximum proof of your displeasure. The name on the shoes should be long and preferably italian. (i.e. Ferragamo) Generally, the longer the name, the more precious the shoe. (the exception being Gucci).
Avoid shoes with names like "Crocs" or "Keds" as your contribution may actually increase the value of these shoes. Also look for signs like the shoes being kept in separate boxes or bags.
I hope this answers your question.
Today I spent the majority of my day trying to get my catnip mousy thingy out from under the refrigerator. It escaped in the night and I found it cowering there this morning.It mocks me for it knows just how long my legs are and therefore just how deep to hide. The two leggers have yet to respond to my demands for its retrieval.
Tonight, I plan on waiting until they go to bed, then I will stand at the window and hiss for a while. I am sure their reactions will amuse me.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

my minions

first i'd like to introduce my minions:
Doug- a creature of the hairless 2 legged variety. his activities consist of feeding
me, buying me fuzzy toys that seem to amuse him more than me, and cleaning the
royal litter.
Kathy- Doug's mate. she also feeds me. and tells Doug to clean the royal litter.
Ivan the Tolerable- a fellow feline and my acting aide de campe. he is very large,
easily mislead and quite dim. He is also my lead enforcer.
Tiger Lily- a female gray tabby. she's an accomplished whiner, but i keep her because
she makes cool sounds when i smack her.

Now, a little about myself. The earth has been blessed with my presence for 3 1/2 years. I have been in charge of the Dunn family for most of that time. I have never had issues with humility. Humility is a vice i have chosen not to indulge in.
In this blog i will attempt to let the world experience my fascinating and wonderful life.