Sunday, August 28, 2011

Jabba The Mutt

While sitting in my bay window today, I spotted a most curious sight. Strolling down my driveway, was something that could only by a long stretch of the imagination be described as somewhat "dog-like".

At least it had some canine characteristics:
It drooled.
It had something resembling a tail thingy attached (though barely) to its butt. (at least I suspect it was attached to its butt, this thing was so ugly, I was unsure of which end I was observing) Which seemed to be making some attempt at wagging.
It had a propensity for urinating on all vertical surfaces it encountered.

I suspect that it also has an unreasonable urge to sniff the nether regions of other canines.

Though it exhibited these obvious canine traits, I was unsure of its identity. You see, this was unlike any dog thingy that I have ever observed.

It was very large. It had places.

It had places.

If Doctor Frankenstein had ever created a companion for his homemade two legger, it may have looked something like the creature slowly entering my yard.

I realize that I should have been annoyed that there was an uninvited muttbeast entering my kingdom, but it was such a freak of nature that I could not look away.

Even the goat thingies seemed confused. They ceased doing their goaty doings. They approached the fence and demanded in no uncertain terms "BAAAAAAA?". In goat language this roughly translates to: "What the hell are you and would you please hand us that dandelion that is next to what I presume to be your paw?"

Either the suspected dog thingy did not speak goat, or it rudely ignored their request. It matters not to me.

What does matter to me however, is that it seems to share my hostility for squirrels.

The squirrel had been up to its normal annoying activities all afternoon. It had scurried through my yard gathering pine nuts, danced on my front deck mocking me, and I swear, I once caught it blowing a kiss at Tiger Lilly.

Upon spotting the squirrel, the alleged dog thingy sprinted (well it more "moseyed" than "sprinted" but I think that it fully intended to sprint) towards the squirrel. It let out a deafening "MARF!". I am unsure what "MARF" means in dog language having never heard a dog say it before, but given the look of intense anger on what I suspect was its face, it was either a yell of fury, or perhaps a belch. Either way, it had its intended effect and sent the squirrel fleeing for its life.

I found this amusing.

What was even more amusing was that it attempted to follow the squirrel up the tree. It made a valiant effort and actually succeeded in gaining almost 2.5 inches of altitude. All the while, it continued to shout "MARF! MARF! MARF!"

Ivan and Tiger Lily, attracted by the commotion joined me in observing this oddity.

And then it happened.

Like a flash of mangy yellow lightning, Jack streaked from beneath the front deck and commenced to mauling the possible pooch. This was greeted with a confused "MARF?" Jack then ejected the confused beast from my yard.

Perhaps there is hope for Jack yet.

Ivan, thinking he had learned a new word, celebrated by walking in circles whispering "marf, marf, marf."

This quickly annoyed me, so I smacked Tiger Lily.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Jack Attack.

Among my most endearing qualities is patience. I am patient in the extreme. I am so patient in fact, that every morning upon their waking,  I allow the two leggers upwards of two minutes to feed me before I start breaking stuff.

No one can accuse me of impatience.

However, my patience is being tried.

I have allowed Jack to reside on my back deck for a month now and his behavior has failed to show improvement.

I understand that when a new minion arrives in my Kingdom, there is a period of time during which said minion must behave out of character in order to ingratiate themselves to their fellow minions. This is the natural order of things. Therefore I had no problem with Jack behaving in a most non-feline like manner. He rubs against the two leggers whenever they venture out onto the deck. He purrs incessantly when in their presence. He has allowed the bird thingies to go about their bird thingy business totally unmolested, knowing that if he were to unleash his natural instincts, the two leggers would break out the Mother of All Water Squirty Thingies that they keep attached to a green tube next to the house. He has even ignored the squirrel thingy.

I understand and respect this. That being said, it is obvious that the time has come for him to show his true nature.

He is a cat. It is time he starts behaving like a cat. I did not hire him to be an animated yard ornament. I hired him to maim, destroy and mutilate the enemies that lurk within my outer kingdom. 

Do you realize that in the month since I employed him he has failed to draw two legger blood even once?

He is taking this "cute and cuddly" routine entirely too far. I cannot abide it.

I have attempted to show him his duty. Using Tiger Lily as a proxy for the squirrel thingy, I have pounced on her and chewed her head mercilessly to demonstrate the proper method. I have held her up to the window and shown him the correct technique for vermin smacking. Ivan has even demonstrated stalking strategy. (well, Ivan stalks like an elephant rollerskates, but you get the idea)

But all to no avail. He simply refuses to hurt anything.

I am beginning to suspect he is a pacifist.

If I do not see improvement soon, I may be forced to no longer consider him a cat.

I do not make this decision lightly, but I feel it is being forced upon me.

I will give Jack another two weeks. If within that period I have not seen evidence of mayhem, chaos, bloodletting, bird thingy destruction or squirrel worrying, I shall be forced to remove his feline status.

If it should come to that, I will declare him a pacifistic, nature loving, two legger adoring, useless lump of fur.

In short, a dog.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Feather Fight

Today, I once again awoke to find Bob in my backyard. For those of you who do not remember Bob please see:

Lately, Bob has been spending an inordinate amount of time in my yard eating the food that the two leggers leave out for the deer and bird thingies.

This annoys me. So I decided that something must be done about it. I haven't a clue what should be done, but I am pondering it.

But that is not the reason I am posting tonight, well not the whole reason. The main reason I am posting tonight only indirectly involves Bob.

You see, while Bob was in my backyard, I gave him such a tongue lashing that I scared him right out of his feathers. Okay, perhaps I may have assumed that it was my superior tongue lashing that caused his molting, but the possibility remains that he felt the severe hostility radiating in his general direction and decided he needed to lighten his load in order to affect a speedy retreat.

Well, perhaps his speedy retreat was in all actuality a leisurely stroll across my yard. But still, that leisurely stroll (and mid-stroll nap upon my deck) was definitely hastened by my glare.

Anyway, when the two leggers returned home this evening, they spent several moments in my yard gathering the feathers that I had scared off of Bob.

By rights, these feathers belonged to me. Me, me and

The first thing the female did was to place them in a vase and arrange them like a cat toy bouquet. The next thing she did was turn to me and say: "Cujo, NO!".

Allow me to translate:
 "Please Cujo, won't you partake of this feast of feather thingies? Oh sure, I will talk big for form's sake and perhaps chastise you when I spot you stalking them, but I assure you Your Highness, my only wish is for you to completely destroy the feather thingies at your earliest convenience. My only request is that you do not attempt to do this while I watch because it is my fervent wish to be surprised by your incredible skills of destruction."

I must admit, her acting skills are better than I first gave her credit for. So in respect of her offering, I will grant her request and wait until she sleeps.

At some point tonight, I swear by all that is me, Bob's feathers will go to that great mattress in the sky.

In the meantime, I will lay here and anticipate her screams of joy when she awakens and beholds my latest creation.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Connect the Dots

I received a package in the mail today. (or "the post" for those of you with the really cool accents)

The minion who sent it asked that I keep his/her/it's identity a secret. To say this request caused me some trepidation in opening said package would be a fair statement. Generally, world leaders such as myself do not accept anonymous gifts unless they are stupid, or aspire to martydom. However, I recognized the paw writing and decided to risk it.

After the package was opened, there appeared on my wall a........ red dot.

For some unknown reason, one of my minions felt that they could ingratiate themselves to me by sending me a........ red dot.

I was not amused.

They could have sent a catnip mousie thingy. They could have sent a feather. They could have sent one of those thingies that make a sound like a two legger farting. They could even have sent me a book on squirrel torture methods and devices. (Illustrated of course)

They sent me a........ red dot.

Just as I was about to unleash my utter frustration upon the new pair of shoes that the female two legger brought home yesterday, something happened.

The dot moved.

Not just a little, a LOT. It jumped from wall to wall. It bounced off the ceiling. It skittered across the floor. I felt compelled to kill the dot. Well, perhaps "kill" is too strong a word. Nope, I definitely wanted to kill it. But before killing it, I decided to ponder it.

I sat watching it for a time. Zooming from hither to yon, it soon attracted Ivan's attention. Ivan burst into the room like a wrecking ball wrapped in smelly, striped, orange fur. Knocking over furniture, glassware, lamps and one out of the two resident two leggers, Ivan it seems, felt no love for the red dot either. 

The dot disappeared.

It was then that I noticed the male two legger placing a small black cylinder back into the package. Curious, I investigated this object.

It had a button.

I pressed the button.

The dot returned.

I pondered.

That was when it hit me. This was one of those laser thingies.

Oh, the possibilities.

My first thought was that when I see them used on the talking box thingy, stuff usually blows up. This gave me an idea. I waited until Tiger Lily was asleep in the bay window. Carefully, I pointed the laser thingy right at the back of her abnormally large head........

I pushed the button.

To my great dismay, she did not explode. However, she was completely flattened by a wrecking ball wrapped in smelly, striped, orange fur.

I am amused.

Friday, August 5, 2011


This morning when my two leggers left my house, I noticed something sitting on my dining room table.

It was the female's computer thingy.


We currently have three computer thingies in my house. We have the large one that resides in the room that Tiger Lily is sequestered in at night. It takes up a whole side of the room and is decorated with multiple disks and poorly printed paper thingies. I believe that all these things have been deemed as garbage by the male, but for some inexplicable reason, he ignores the trash bin, preferring to stack all these things around and atop the computer thingy where they can fall while he works causing him much frustration and annoyance. This trash bin remains the cleanest and emptiest of all those within my house. Just another example of confusing two legged behavior.

The second computer thingy is called "The Laptop". This is the computer thingy that I currently write my blog thingy on. In theory, it is supposed to be portable, but it has the curious quality of making the male completely immobile whenever he uses it.

The third and most heavily guarded and highly coveted computer thingy is the one that the male gave to the female for Christmas last year.

She calls it her "iPad". I am confused by the name owing to the fact that it has no eye thingies and it is not soft at all. (I once tried to nap on it and found it too hard to be considered a proper resting place) She takes it with her everywhere she goes and NEVER leaves it unguarded.

Until today........

I found it on the table and decided to attempt to discover what all the hoo-ha was about.

Apparently, it is activated by simply walking on it. I have never witnessed the female stepping on the screen, but it seemed to work for me.

A whole new world opened beneath my blood-stained little paws. (I'll explain the blood-stains some other time, after I come up with a believable alibi) This I-pad thingy has little "icon" thingies all across the screen. Each "icon" triggers what is called an "apt". The term "apt" seems silly because they all seem so useless. There were apts for shooting bird thingies at sheltered pigs, for arranging numbers in big boxes, there was even one that supposedly helps two leggers lose weight.

I soon realized that none of these apt were designed by cats. If I was in charge of designing them, I guarantee there would be differences. The apts I would design are as follows:

1. A screen saver that would show an animated saber tooth tiger gnawing the head of a smurf.
2. Another screen saver that would show an animated saber tooth tiger gnawing the head of a squirrel.
3. Yet another screen saver that would show bunnies playfully hopping through a meadow.................. until they encounter a saber tooth tiger gnawing the head of a blue squirrel. 
4. An apt that would make crashing sounds whenever the two leggers were in the shower.
5. And finally an apt that would create the foulest smelling odor the world has ever known.

Nevermind on that last one. There is already an apt for that.

I have it loaded on my iVan.