Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Close Encounters of The Thurd Kind

The other day there was a report on the talking box thingy that someone on the south end of the island I live on, spotted an unidentified flying thingy.

I find this report very disconcerting.

I had no idea that there was a trailer park on my island.

No, I am not trying to insult the residents of trailer parks in general. I am simply stating a well-known fact. Whenever the news does a story in a trailer park it is because either an alien or a tornado recently visited it. Aliens and tornadoes seem to have an extreme attraction to house thingies on wheels.

I do not profess to know why Mother Nature hates trailer parks, but I have a theory in regards to the whole alien visitation issue. I have read that some believe that UFT sightings are more prevalent in trailer parks because of mass hallucinations brought about by the high rate of alcohol and recreational drug consumption sometimes found in these locations. Some say that the large aluminum structures arranged in geometric patterns serve as large collector dishes for alien signal thingies.

I believe these theories to be incorrect. I will now reveal the true reason that UFTs visit trailer parks.

The aliens in question are.............Interstellar Rednecks.

This theory solves so many mysteries. The IRs go to trailer parks to visit their terrestrial kinfolk. They drive around the stars in large, loud, unpainted vehicles. They drive erratically through the night, waking the neighbors and causing a ruckus. They even flee when the police show up. The odd rattling sound often associated with these encounters can be explained by the presence of empty beer cans bouncing around in the holds of their ship and Billy Ray Cyrus playing on their radios. They are often spotted flying through the night sky in long oval circuits not unlike an airborne NASCAR race. I suspect they may even have silhouettes of naked female aliens on the mudflaps of their spaceships. They were probably drawn to Earth when they picked up old broadcasts of "Hee Haw" and "Larry The Cable Guy".

I have submitted my theory to several government agencies and other research groups. Their refusal to respond proves that I am correct. They do not wish to encourage me lest I go public with my findings and they lose their research grants.

However, one group seems interested in my theorem. The World Association of Cosmic Know-It-Alls (WACK), have now elected me their leader and have requested that I attend their next convention to be held at the Holiday Inn in Toowookie, Arkansas (Room 302).

Finally, please rest assured that we have no reason to fear an invasion by the IRs. They are fully aware that we have opera music and are not afraid to use it.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Ew Naturale

This morning at 9am the Winter rainy season ended here in the Pacific Northwest.

The Spring rainy season is scheduled to begin at 4pm today and will last until July 2017.

Accordingly, the two leggers proceeded to throw open every window in my house. They then donned shorts and T-shirts and exited via the sliding door thingy, skipping, prancing and dancing through my backyard. After almost breaking their ankles on the numerous branches and limbs that had fallen during the long cold Winter, they decided that some yard maintenance was in order and changed into some more work-appropriate attire.

In their glee at finally spotting the sun, they neglected to fully shut the sliding door thingy.

I have always known that someday this would happen. It was just a matter of time and patience. Every day for five long years, I have watched. I have bided my time. I have been careful not to give any indication that I had any inclination to go outside. Quite the opposite, I have always exhibited a particular disdain for all things exterior. Oh sure, I curse the squirrel thingy from my window. I hiss, chitter and growl at passing bird thingies. But I never show even the slightest interest in joining them.

It has all been part of my plan.

The two leggers have grown lax. They no longer suspect that I may someday wish to commune with my outside minions. They think I have grown soft. They believe that I have become complacent in enforcing the Law of The Paw when it comes to my kingdom beyond the windows.

They are mistaken.

So today when they came inside to don their "work clothes", they left the sliding door thingy open.

Through the opening, I could see the entire backyard waiting for me. As I walked out onto the back deck, a hush descended upon the place. The bird thingies ceased their singing, the goat thingies stood gazing in wonderment. The squirrel thingy who had been frolicking near the bird feeders froze in abject terror. The silence seemed eternal. The tension was exquisite.

The stillness was suddenly broken by a large orange mass of stinky aggression that flew past me on its way to attack a rock. Ivan decided a few weeks ago that the rock in question must be a bunny. I've tried to explain numerous times that it was simply a rock in the yard, but Ivan was not to be fooled. He heard once that bunnies were masters of camouflage and deduced that since the rock looked precisely and exactly how a bunny would never look, it must surely therefore be a bunny in disguise. I find it difficult to argue with such iron-bound logic and decided to let Ivan slay his rock.

Meanwhile, Jaq jumped into the box where the two leggers keep their firewood and started singing a John Denver medley. Tiger Lily, fearing being smacked by a variety of woodland creatures, decided not to venture out and simply stood in the door way threatening to tattle on us.

Having paused dramatically on the deck, allowing all to bow to me, I felt it was time to tour my new territory. I stepped slowly and regally from the deck and made an extremely distressing discovery:

Grass is squishy.

I don't do squishy. Hairballs are squishy, but I don't walk on hairballs. Walking on hairballs is something two leggers do. I leapt back onto the deck and reached the decision that I would continue to rule my kingdom from the window.

It was at this point that the two leggers appeared and after much exclaiming and waving of arms, escorted me back into my house. Though confused by Ivan's assault upon the rock, they brought him back inside as well.

Overall, I would say that it was a successful foray.

However, I can safely say that Ivan has decided that bunnies are not to his liking. It seems he finds them too hard to digest.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Character Assassination

Every now and again, the two leggers will leave the talking box thingy turned on while they are busy in other rooms.

Sometimes this amuses me, sometimes it annoys me.

Last night it accomplished both.

Last night, the male two legger left the living room to go work on something in the computer room (aka The Royal Litter Room). Before leaving, he tuned the talking box thingy to a channel called "The Cartoon Network".

At first this amused me. There was much random activity, cool sound effects and many examples of slapstick comedy. However, upon reflection, my amusement quickly turned to annoyance. I have discovered a fundamental truth about the media.

It is biased.

It is flagrantly biased against predators. It places natural born predators in an unsavory light while portraying our prey as upstanding, witty and even heroic paragons of virtue. I do not make this accusation of prejudice lightly. I have incontrovertible evidence:

Tom & Jerry- In this cartoon, we are expected to believe that a small, overweight mouse thingy outwits a seemingly physically-fit feline. Jerry (the mouse thingy), physically assaults and brings the wrath of Tom's (the cat) two legger down upon him several times every episode. I will grant that Tom is not the sharpest claw on the smacking paw, but even Ivan has been known to munch a mouse successfully.

Bugs Bunny- How the heck does a carrot muncher get the better of a parade of foolish hunters, dog thingies, Martians and a pig?? I can possibly understand his dominance of the duck, the duck seems rather daffy, but I refuse to believe that a simple bunny can possibly thwart the plots of so many potential predators.

The media also seems infatuated with bird thingies. The Roadrunner always beats the Coyote even though the Coyote has the might of the entire Acme Military Surplus Mail Order Company on speed-dial. Granted, the Coyote is a type of wild dog thingy, but even a dog thingy should be smart enough to wax a flightless bird thingy that is so stupid that it spends all of its time playing in traffic.

Woody Woodpecker and Chilly Willy also spend much of their time bashing predators who should be picking feathers out of their teeth.

And let us not forget the most despicable example of all.......Tweety Bird. Poor Sylvester, a fellow tuxedo cat no less, is constantly getting his proverbial hat handed to him by a canary with a speech impediment. He not only gets it from the bird thingy, he is also terrorized by a geriatric female two legger with a rolling pin.

If the roles were reversed, Sylvester would either be demonized by the mainstream media, or asked to write a blog thingy.

However, after much searching, I have finally found one program that actually favors and emulates the predator. "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" airs every Friday at 8pm.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

The Royal Review of The New Royal Litter

You will recall that in an earlier post I assigned Ivan job of testing and reviewing The World's Best Cat Litter's newest product.

I have decided that I will conduct this experiment thingy in a most scientific and comprehensive manner. Not only will this result in a totally non-biased opinion, by assigning Ivan to the task, it should also provide some amusement.

By involving Ivan, I have added the third foundation stone in my pyramid of amusement.:
1. Potty jokes.
2. The bumbling of those less intelligent than ourselves.
3. Ivan.

We received a large bag of WBC Forest-Scented Formula a couple of weeks ago and I ordered the two leggers to prepare the Royal Litter for the test. They thoroughly cleaned all four boxes and then refilled one box with the Forest-Scented Formula. Another box, they refilled with my normal litter, WBC Multiple Cat Clumping Formula. In the other two boxes, they mixed the two formulas equally.

After one week of use and observation, I told Ivan to write his review and submit it to me.

This was a mistake.

Ivan spent the next six hours studiously working on his report, jotting down everything he could think of, sometimes staring off into space for several minutes and then with his tongue sticking out from the right-side of his mouth he would suddenly begin writing furiously. Finally, with a grin of triumph, tail swishing in a cocky manner Ivan strutted down the hall and placed his "masterpiece" in front of me.

I will now quote it verbatim:
                                       "It wuz gud."  

At this point I realized that as usual, I would need to provide some guidance. I decided to learn his opinion through the process of an interview. So here goes:

Me: "So Ivan, what did you think of the new litter?"
Ivan: "Think?? Boss, you never said Ivan hadda think!"
Me: "Relax, O' dim one, I mean 'What was your opinion?'"
Ivan: " Openin? Da openin was the same size as always, just big enough for Ivan to climb inside, do bizness and then climb out."
Me: "Not OPENING! OPINION!! How did the new litter work?"
Ivan: "New litter work just like old litter. Ivan climb in, dig hole, make stinky, cover stinky, cover stinky sum more, lookit stinky, cover stinky sum more, then leave."
Me: "Arrrrgggg!! Okay, let's move on. How did it smell?"
Ivan: "It smelled like a stinky."
Me: "I mean how did the litter smell?"
Ivan: "Oh, smell confused Ivan. Smelled like tree thingies. It smelled like woods. It scare Ivan."
Me: "Scared you?? Why?"
Ivan: "I not stoopid. I know what goes potty in woods. Bear thingy goes potty in woods. Maybe this litter made for bears. I look around, but not see bear."
Me: "Okaaaaaay, how did it clump? Aw nevermind! Could you smell the stinky after you covered it?"
Ivan: "You betcha! But first I hadda dig it up again."

Maybe my idea for interviewing Ivan was ill-advised. So I will now offer my personal observations on the product.

World's Best Cat Litter Forest-Scented Formula seems to work very well. It absorbs odor as well as the formula I've been using. The forest scent is subtle and not overpowering like many scented litters. My fellow felines and I have had no issues making the transition to the new formula and seem to show no preference for one or the other. However, my two leggers appear to favor the new product. Like most litters, it does tend to track a bit, but this may also be a result of Ivan making "litter angels" when no one is looking.

Bottom Line: I highly recommend this product. I have decreed that it is now Royal Litter of Choice from this day forward.

Just a side note: Ivan will be unavailable for a while. He is currently hiding behind the litter box in the hopes of catching and eating a bear.

Friday, March 15, 2013

St. Cujo's Day

This Sunday marks yet another two legger holiday.

St. Patrick's Day.

From what I understand, this holiday originated in a place called Ireland. It is celebrated by the massive intake of alcoholic beverages and the sudden discovery that every two legger on Earth has at least a drop of Irish ancestry.

Be that as it may, St. Patrick's Day is a holiday celebrating a two legger who is reputed to have driven all the snakes from Ireland.

This annoys me on several levels.

Firstly, it is obvious that while he may have driven the snake thingies from Ireland, they landed in Washington, DC.

Secondly, what's the big deal? How hard can it be to drive something that has no legs? It's not like they can run. He might as well as challenge them to an arm-wrestling competition.

Big fat hairy whoop.

Thirdly, do two leggers truly require a holiday to imbibe? I have often witnessed my male two legger drinking ale simply because the day ended in the letter "Y".

Personally, I have vanquished many pests. Dust bunnies, eight leggers, six leggers and even a few two leggers will never enter my kingdom again due to my prowess. Heck, given one day loose in my yard, I promise that I will eradicate every squirrel thingy on Whidbey Island.

But do I see St. Cujo's Day on any calendar?


But I guarantee that if a St. Cujo's Day is ever declared and celebrated by the consumption of alcohol, 90% of two leggers will suddenly discover that they are descended from cats.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Contested Chaos

Last night, I decided that it was time for the Second Annual Monthly Cujo Kingdom Talent Show.

It has been over two years since the First Annual Monthly Cujo Kingdom Talent Show, but I've never let silly details like facts, calenders or common sense interfere with my amusement.

I have had to modify the contest this year due to the lack of a willing judge. You will recall that our last judge, the late bathroom spider, suddenly disappeared under suspicious circumstances shortly after awarding the Grand Prize to Tiger Lily. Parts of him were later discovered in The Royal Litter, but not enough to make a definitive identification. I offered the job to the newest bathroom spider, but he seemed somewhat reluctant to follow in his predecessors multiple footsteps and declined the position.

So I ate him.

Lacking a judge, I declared that the winner this year would be decided by water squirty thingy. That is to say whomever annoyed the two leggers and earned the most squirts from the water squirty thingy (WST) would be deemed the winner of this year's competition.

Extra points for style would also be considered.

Since Tiger Lily won the last competition, I decided that she would be to go first.

She began the contest by exhibiting how a crystal wineglass (or whine-glass) can be shattered by one's voice. She sat on the kitchen counter next to a dirty wineglass and began emitting a high-pitched, incredibly annoying sound. The rest of us watched with paw-covered ears as the wineglass began to vibrate to the resonance. Just as the noise became unbearable......CRASH!

The wineglass shattered into tiny twinkling crystalline shards.

The glass wasn't exactly broken by sound waves per se, but rather by the sock ball that the male two legger threw at Tiger Lily in a poorly thrown attempt at shutting her up. However, the results were the same and she was immediately chased from the kitchen with two squirts of the WST.

Jaq took the stage next with an act we had never witnessed before. It would seem that Jaq has a hidden talent for ventriloquism. She started by hiding behind the male two legger's chair during dinner and making various flatulent noises. This did not bring about the appearance of the WST, however it did cause the female to exit the dining room with a look of disgust directed at the male. I awarded Jaq three style points anyway. The second part of her act consisted of Jaq making the golf ball in Ivan's food bowl call him very insensitive names while he was trying to eat. Once again, no squirts, but I felt compelled to award her five more points for finding yet another creative way to confuse Ivan.

After an intermission for naps and visits to the Royal Litter, it was Ivan's turn.

Ivan decided to show us his talent at impressions. He stood at the end of the hallway. All was silent. Suddenly, he crooked his tail, trilled and galloped at full speed down the hall. Without breaking stride, he plowed head first into the closet door at the end of the hall. The impression Ivan's face left on the door is quite life-like. The impact rattled the windows and brought both two legger's running with WST's  in hand.

Ivan pulled into the lead with six squirts.

It was up to me to provide the Finale for the night's entertainment.

I decided to warm up the crowd with a little knock-knack destruction. A souvenir shot glass and a ceramic candle holder will never require dusting again.

Two squirts.

Next I performed my patented "Very Vertical Voomer & Boomer Maneuver". This consists of sprinting from room-to-room, bouncing off of convenient walls, doors, furniture and the occasional innocent bystander, leaving a swath of destruction in my wake. A triple "freaky cat" twist and I stuck the landing mere inches in front of a poofed Tiger Lily.

I could hear the stumbling steps of the male two legger approaching with a locked and loaded water squirty thingy. I timed my move perfectly. Just as I heard the telltale squeak of his trigger finger tightening, I leapt exactly one tailspan to the right.

Tiger Lily caught the squirt squarely in her unnaturally large face.

Triple bonus, double word score and superior style points for me.

 I have unanimously declared myself the winner.

Meanwhile, Ivan is filing a bullying complaint against the golfball.