Monday, May 30, 2016

Lumber Joke


I am amused!

I am amused like I have never been amused before!

If it were not beneath my personal sense of decorum, I would be dancing down the hallway, fluffy-tailed with giddiness!

You may be justifiably curious as to what could possibly cause such an undignified reaction in one as dignified and stately as myself.

Incredibly, it is the two leggers who have made this sense of happiness possible.

This morning, I noticed that the two leggers were walking around my front yard. They were looking up, pointing to different spots in the trees and seemed to be in deep discussion. Knowing their sympathies towards all things small and furry, I naturally assumed they were considering new ways to attract animals to my Outer Kingdom. Perhaps they were planning on hanging a little hammock for the squirrel thingy to lounge on during the warmer Summer afternoons. Maybe they were thinking of erecting a small discotheque for the squirrel thingy to entertain his mangy little friends. Possibly, they were considering building tiny condos and starting a squirrel commune.

Nothing they do surprises me anymore.

In this case however, I was greatly mistaken.

Around three O'clock this afternoon, a large, black truck of the "pick-up" variety drove up and the most massive two legger I have ever seen climbed out. If a clean-shaven Bigfoot was inducted into the Witness Protection Program, taught to drive a pickup truck and made to wear a flannel shirt, jeans and a ball cap, it would look something like this two legger.

Rather than hiding all the food and cowering under the bed in fear, my male two legger greeted him with a pawshake and a smile. They then proceeded to wander around the front yard in animated conversation. The semi-civilized sasquatch was writing something on a large clipboard while my male two legger continued to point and gesture at the tree tops. After about 20 minutes of this curious activity, they once again shook paws and Tyrannosaurus Two Legger climbed back into his truck thingy and left.

The male came back into the house and informed the female that the "plan was a go".

What was this "plan"?

More importantly, how could I thwart it?

As a cat, I consider it my sworn and natural duty to thwart any and all plans that the two leggers may make. After all, goals are made to be broken and breaking things is what I do.

But before I could interfere, I had to discover what they were trying to achieve. This was easily accomplished. Before he left, the humongous hominid had given the male a sheet of paper. Upon examination, this paper turned out to be a diagram of my front yard, showing all the tree thingies contained therein. Two of the tree thingies had large, red circles drawn around them. Next to the red circles were the words "Recommended removal and disposal". These two trees happen to be the very same trees in which the squirrel makes his home!

Fairly jumping for joy, a single thought kept repeating itself in my head thingy.......

Hairless Sasquatch is a lumberjack and he hates squirrels!

For once, the two legger's plans coincide with mine.

Next week, the squirrel thingy will be gone at last. I have already taken the liberty of typing up his eviction notice.

Yes, seven short days and my nemesis will be gone. No more fluffy-tailed freak prancing around my Outer Kingdom. I will no longer have to sit idly in my bay window while the tree rat dances around my yard with impunity. His reign of irrational cheerfulness is at an end! Soon my yard will be vermin-free and I shall enjoy a Summer of uninterrupted, non-squirrel-filled bliss.

Until then, I shall sit in my bay window with a grin on my face, making chopping gestures with my paw every time the squirrel looks at me.

TO BE CONTINUED.............

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Food Fright

I am annoyed.

Annoyed and irritated.

Annoyed, irritated and not amused.

I may even be miffed.

In the past, I would usually remedy this by slapping Tiger Lily around, bushwacking Jaq, or posing a philosophical question to Ivan just to watch his eyes cross and smoke come out of his ears. However, according to my vet thingy, I am supposed to be "taking it easy", "relaxing" and engaging in other non-violent stress reducing activities.

I suspect my vet thingy may be a Hippie.

The cause of my annoyance is the fact that the two leggers have changed their diet. They have started eating much healthier. Less meat, more nasty, green, earthy smelling leafy stuff. Lettuce, carrots, spinach, mushrooms, leaves, pine needles, beans, fruit, vegetables and other low-fat, low-calorie unmunchables. Things that not even an over-caffienated bunny who spends all his free time reading New Age, plant munching, gotta-get-healthy-in-under 60 days type books would consider edible.

Now you may assume that there is no way that a change in my two legger's diet should affect me, but your assumption would be wrong.

You see, after I developed my kidney issues, I was placed on a special diet myself. It consists of something called "KD Prescription Food". While I am unsure what the "KD" stands for (I suspect that it stands for "Kind of a Drag"), I know that "Prescription" means medicine and as for the "Food" part, well, I don't understand how anyone can call this stuff "food" while maintaining a straight face. It has the consistency of a re-recycled hairball and the taste of a dust bunny that is four years past its prime.

Ivan thinks it's delicious.

Ivan thinks that anything that he can fit in his mouth is delicious.

But I digress.

The only thing that made my diet bearable was the fact that I could always count on the two leggers to leave some scrumptious morsel laying about after their meals. Oh sure, they always tried to clean and put everything away after eating, but invariably, something would be missed and I could always count on a bit of a dietary supplement after they had retired for the evening. The male especially could always be relied upon to forget a dirty plate on the counter, or to drop a small morsel of his meal on the floor...... or on his shirt........or next to his chair......possibly smeared on the table......maybe drizzled across his pants......and always scattered throughout his mustache where I can count on obtaining a treat by grooming his face while he sleeps. I once discovered a partially consumed bratwurst complete with mustard, onions and sauerkraut just above his right upper lip (that was a good day).

My point is that with their new eating (grazing may be a better word) habits, the pickings have been slim.

The situation has become untenable. I must find a way to supplement my diet.

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I am being starved. Quite the opposite, I assure you. In fact, it is most annoying the way that they are constantly encouraging me to eat. Every time I turn around, they are pushing a bowl of the KD Prescription Food in front of me. If I should deign to take a couple of bites, they coo in joy and tell me how proud they are of me.

No, the issue is the quality, not the quantity.

I am a cat. I am the apex predator of my Kingdom. I am the very embodiment of 36.8 quatrillion years of evolutionary fine tuning. I am descended from saber-toothed tigers, from lions, from cougars and the like. My ancestors feasted upon mammoths, bison, primeval two leggers and the prehistoric predecessors of Twinkies. They thrived on hunting, stalking and batting around lower lifeforms. They did not eat vegetables and salads. They ate the eaters of vegetables and salads.

After much consideration, I have reached a solution.

My two leggers have been adequate in their servitude. They have maintained my Kingdom with conscientious diligence. They have provided for most of my needs and though they can be annoying at times, they can also provide amusement when I am bored.

So it is with slight trepidation that I have made my decision......

I must eat my two leggers.

I informed my fellow felines of my plan and was met with mixed reactions. Tiger Lily was for eating the male, but did not wish to lose the advocacy of the female (the female is the only one in my Kingdom that defends her). Jaq was initially totally against the plan, but after being promised first pick of the female's shoes, she conceded. Ivan's response was "Bout darn time".

Alas, it was not to be. Just as we were about to make our move, the male read my notes for this blog post.

Apparently, he no longer trusts me and is keeping the bedroom door locked at night.

Oh well, all is not lost. Rumor has it that we are expecting house guests this Summer............